Better Overall, Worse Episodes

I’m finding that I’m better in the long run when it comes to my depression – I have gotten better at apologizing for mistakes and accepting that I’m just one person and I’m not perfect… Better being a relative word because overall it’s still really hard for me. I also stopped doing reckless things like binge drinking and dating a bunch of losers/mean guys.

So, I’m better, right?

Kinda. Because I find now… that I’m not numb to the pain… now that I’m aware of WHY I feel like this… it can make the times I do have an episode worse.

For example, from 22-26 I was severely depressed and super reckless, drinking, partying, dating the wrong guys, staying up late, watching TV all day, late for work, bad eating habits, all of it. I was in a lot of pain. But I had no idea, in a way. I was numbing it all, mostly with booze and excessive sleep, but I was unaware the depth of my depression.

Ignorance is “bliss” if you will.

Now that I’ve been diagnosed and treated, I’ve stopped a lot of my bad habits. But then, I’m not numb anymore. It’s like waking up in the middle of a surgery. I am acutely aware of the pain in my episodes, and aware of the depression that bogs me down, and aware, very very aware, that this is an illness that I will carry with me for the rest of my life. And sometimes that makes me feel really, really bad.

Depression is so mean, and when you’re feeling depressed and you know it’s because of your depression it can be meaner! It makes me feel like life is unfair. That I will always be struggling with my brain. It makes me think I shouldn’t have children, if I risk passing this to them. It makes me feel like… what’s the point in fighting this, if it’s going to happen again and again.

I have found that my “thoughts of death” have increased since I learned about my depression. Thoughts of death are different than suicidal thoughts – I have never planned out a suicide. I also know that committing suicide is too scary to me and also that I would never, ever, ever, be able to do that to my family and friends, mostly because if you kill yourself there’s a high chance yOU PASS YOUR DEPRESSION TO THEM FUCKKKK I would never want to do that!

Thoughts of death are more like, not wanting to be alive, or dreading the fact that you know you are only 1/4 the way through a normal human lifespan, things like that.

When I was numb, I just drank and slept and went through life disconnected. Now that I’m not, I’m like… can I really do this for the REST OF MY LIFE?!?!?! And WHY THE FUCK DO I HAVE TO. WHY. ME. WHY ME. WHY??? Fuck. It’s like, everyone is trying to climb up the ladder but you’re wearing weights. It’s hard enough around, why you gotta weigh me down!?

I may see a post or hear about someone who lost a loved one to suicide. They are always hurting, and usually can’t understand WHY someone would do that. But I do. I completely understand. Sometimes, I want to reach out and say… “the depth of their pain was something you most likely will never understand, but if you ever spent a day with depression, you would know. You would get it. Because it’s not you anymore… your brain is a monster that attacks you, and there is seemingly no other way to stop it.”

But I don’t say that, because that is a weird thing to say to people who are grieving a suicide.

LET ME SAY THIS: PLEASE DO NOT KILL YOURSELF. PLEASE. DO NOT. KILL YOURSELF. I do NOT advocate suicide AT ALL. YOUR SUICIDAL THOUGHTS ARE NOT YOU! I know you know that!!!!! Tell someone, anyone, what is happening. There are drugs and therapists that CAN help, I know they can, even if it’s hard.

If you are feeling suicidal call the suicide prevention hotline: 1-800-273-8255

And know this. I KNOW how you feel. I am also struggling. And I am still here. And I will continue to fight. Because there is stuff in life worth living for, even if in this moment it doesn’t feel like that at all. If it’s really bad, go to bed and sleep, give your brain a break from the pain and try again to get help when you wake up. And know that you are not alone, my brain is a monster too.

Where Have I Been?! 0/10

OMG! I bet you’re like, hEY LAURA WHERE YOU AT GIRL?

Yah, I know, but I been busy yo. Real busy. Work has been slammed, we got a new manager, AGAIN. I started my next book… two pages in as of right now, about to write the third. And… I GOT CAST WOO!

I started auditioning for film roles in the area and it has been going really, really well. I should have known. I’ve never had a lot of success onstage, but damn, they love me in front of a camera.

It’s called “Fear to be Brave” a post-apocalyptic indie movie set in the Raleigh-Durham area. No pay, nothing fancy, but I’m on camera again and I’m so pumped. I also happen to be in the murderous faction with the bad guys, and am the main villain’s sidekick and get to learn fight choreography and beat the crap out of people onscreen, so, yeah, it’s going to be REAL fun.

That means my schedule is crammed. I work half the day and audition/film half the day. Oh man.

I also am working on my first book review for Run Spot Run, where I will be publishing monthly, and I’m so excited about that! A great way for me to get my name out there, and build a platform with my writing.

I was worried that I need to take down the site. I don’t know how people are going to react if they are trying to cast me and see it. That sucks. There’s still a stigma, and that makes me want to hide what I’m talking about. Man.

Will I be here posting often? Probably not this month. Taking the break was really nice, and not having to think about the blog expanded room for other projects to start. My depression was rough a couple weeks ago. It’s always the same, coming and going in a cycle. There is a chance I need to change/up my medicine. I may be adjusting to it, so it’s not working as well… we’ll see.

This was a lot of rambling, but I’m pretty tired and have been doing a lot today. Hopefully I can post again with updates on the film.

I’m always hoping that I never have another episode again, but that’s an unrealistic dream.

Daily Blogging?

I think I am going to take a break from daily blogging.

This site is new, it’s a baby, and I’m still not quite sure how I want it to work for me.

I am always striving for balance. I do know that daily blogging, while simple and quick, is clogging my time. I also don’t think the posts are the kind of posts I want on here? I’d rather have less posts, more thought out, interspersed with the times I can get on here and write through an episode.

I want more time to write my book. I also want less “obligations.” I know that building a website and a following takes commitment and dedication and it can be work. I don’t want this to be work. I would love to help people, to reach people, to share my experiences so others can open up, but not at the sacrifice of my own mental health. By that I mean, making the blog a daily priority takes away from other things that can better help me to survive day to day.

Not saying that I don’t want to continue the site, I do! I just think the format may be changing a bit. I also need a break while I deal with sickness… a cold that I have now, plus the underlying abdominal issues I’ve been having… and while I deal with work, which is still in controlled chaos as we transition owners.

I’ve been holding myself responsible for posting every day and posting even when I don’t have much to say and feeling guilty if I don’t, which is THE OPPOSITE of what I wanted this website to do. I’m trying to let go of the expectations I have for myself and my projects, and give myself more room to just be.

I promised myself that I would never disappear from this site like so many others I’ve seen, mental health illness bloggers who literally stop posting or drop their website without a trace. It’s scary. I’m not depressed right now, but I’m overwhelmed at all the things I want to do, and how much time I have to do them.

The good thing is, we are still in baby phase, so as I tailor the site to work the way I want it, and how it fits in my life, hopefully no one will notice 🙂 but I’m not leaving, if you wonder why I haven’t posted in awhile. I’m just… hanging out with friends, reading, writing, drawing, working, sleeping, living…

🔫🔫🔫 4/10

When I’m on my phone I can use the 🔫 as my title LOL.

FML. Work is insane. I have a cold. Everything I want to do has been pushed back so I can work and sleep. No exercise. No writing.


Zzz. Watching Harry Potter. I’m pooped and super grumpy.

I Caught a Cold?!

Thought I had heartburn on Friday night because my throat hurt… But now it seems I have A COLD. FUUUUUCK.

So, today, I’ve been in the house trying to rest. Boo.

It’s weird to feel better mentally after a day or two of an episode. Like, who even WAS that person? Did all that really happen?!

Yes. Yes it did.

Ok, shower time and early bed for this coughing girl.