I’m not sure where to start my first post about living with Major Depressive Disorder, so I guess I’ll start by admitting it.
I have depression.
To my family and friends, this is not a surprise. I’m fairly open about it. If you ask me, I’ll tell you that I’ve been seeing Dr. R for a few years now or that I recently upped my Bupropion prescription from 75mg daily to 75mg twice a day. I’ll mention it casually in conversation. And the most daring? I’ll share memes on Facebook about mental health illness.1
But, to be honest, that doesn’t mean much. If I’m telling you about my struggle with depression… I’m probably feeling okay. My meds are doing their job.2 I got out of bed that day. I got dressed. I went outside. All signs of an A-okay day for me.
Telling you I have depression is much different than coming to you during a depressive episode. The people who see me during a bout of depression are limited. Right now, there are two. Three if you count Dr. R.
And that is what this blog is about. It’s going to be an uncensored,3 honest account of the thoughts going through my head when I’m depressed. They aren’t pretty, but they’re real. I want to be more open about my mental health illness, hopefully to understand it better. And to take some pressure off the lovely people who hold me up when I’m down.4 And to assure you that you are not alone in your suffering.5
My fiance, Zach, and I have a number system to communicate my depression levels. 0 is feeling GREAT! 5 is rough, but handle-able, and 10 is can’t get out of bed, I wish I was dead. I’ll be posting my number daily, and telling you how I feel. Any post that is a 6 or above, I’ll go back later when I’m feeling good again, and add in footnotes so you,6 and I, can see how depression distorts thinking.
Today, I’m a 0, thank goodness.7 I’ve been riding a wave of sadness for the past three months which made it hard to work, write, and plan a wedding. That’s why I bumped up my medication. I love a 0 day, and if anything I’ve learned to appreciate them, because you never know when the next episode is coming.