I feel pretty great right now, which is awesome because I spent most of the last three months in and out of one of the worst episodes I’ve had in years. I blame overwork, stress, and the fact that once a depressive cycle starts it’s hard to get out. In fact, even after I quit one of my jobs I was still struggling, which is why I started taking more Bupropion.1
But sometimes it’s annoying how hard I have to work to be content. I closely monitor my sleep schedule, because if I don’t get a full 8-9 hours I’m more likely to slip into an episode. It’s difficult because Zach doesn’t need sleep. We joke that he’s Buddy the Elf..
I try and exercise daily, alternating between hikes and weightlifting. I have meals prepped ahead of time so I eat well. I don’t let myself do chores after work, because then I would never relax. I have severely limited my drinking. I don’t even work full time anymore…2 which has been a huge benefactor in my feeling better. But it makes me feel broken. Trying to take care of myself and work full time is almost impossible. But “everyone” else does it. I know other people struggle, but still… it feels unfair. Like I don’t fit into the society that everyone else is living in.
If I get bumped off my routine, there’s a big chance I’ll get depressed. And then I feel bad about being depressed. And I don’t do anything. And then I feel bad about not doing anything. And on and on… You get it.
I guess that’s the struggle anyone with a mental health illness has to deal with. I like my life, when I’m feeling okay. I’m fairly content, with good friends and family, a job I don’t dislike, and goals with writing and exercise that keep me excited. But sometimes I wish I could just drink a damn glass of wine without wondering “is this going to send me over the edge? Will I be depressed for the next week if I have two glasses?”
I’m always wondering if I do something outside of my routine (eat too many cookies, stay up late watching TV, drink *gasp* three glasses of wine) will it push me over the edge? And I know that it will always be that way to some degree. It would be nice to not have to constantly monitor myself for fear of falling into an episode. Although the alternative is much worse… because being depressed sucks butt.