What if my medication works and this blog is pointless?! 0/10

I guess this is a follow up to what I wrote yesterday.

As I’ve mentioned, May-July was a rough time for me. In early July, I went to see my regular doctor for a yearly checkup and we talked about the dosage of my medication. I was taking 75mg of extended release Bupropion a day, which is extremely low. The standard dosage is 300mg, sometimes as high as 450mg. She told me that if I wanted to double it, it might help with some of my mood swings. She also offered that I could take 150mg up until the time I had a positive pregnancy test (yes, we are close enough that I’m asking about things like that) and then could stop cold turkey. Bupropion is a fairly forgiving antidepressant, I’m so glad that it has worked for me.

I told her I wanted to think about it, as with all decisions with my medication. I had about four months of CBT1 before I decided to go on anti-depressants and that was after a lot of discussion with my therapist and family.

So, anyway, I’ve been on the drugs for almost three years now, and the doubling I’ve done in the past couple weeks has helped immensely.

I have been batting around the idea of a blog about my depression for awhile, maybe a few months now, and everyone who I run it by has been supportive and enthusiastic. People need to talk about mental health illness more, they say. I have great awareness, they say. I could help someone, even myself, is the hope. But now I’m like… what if this is the right dose of medication for me and I never have a bad episode again and then everyone is like what is the point of this blog anyway?!

Isn’t that hilarious? First, the thought that my disorder isn’t going to rear up again,2and second that I’m not “depressed” enough to run a blog about it. I wonder how long it will take for me to come back to this post and laugh at my naive self. It’s weird to be worried that I won’t be depressed… not like I want too, but the doubt that I have anything important to say on the topic hangs over me as I write these first few posts. It might be a way for me to cope with the nerves of putting all this online… Which, as of right now, I’ve done but haven’t shared… LOL. I’ve gotten the balls to write about it, but haven’t given the link to anyone but a few good friends. Baby steps.

This is a lot of rambling, I had some caffeine, and haven’t really gathered my thoughts as we are leaving for a camping trip in less than an hour, but I think overall I said what I wanted to say which is THIS SCARY. DEPRESSION WEIRD.

Maybe I should just delete the article except for those last two sentences 😛

  1. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy focuses on exploring relationships among a person’s thoughts, feelings and behaviors. During CBT a therapist will actively work with a person to uncover unhealthy patterns of thought and how they may be causing self-destructive behaviors and beliefs.
  2. Hah. If only.

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