Surprise surprise surprise
Yesterday afternoon to the evening to this morning right now have been icky. Looked at my calendar: 3 days to my period.
It’s like… So obvious that this is going to happen and so frustrating when it does. It’s like someone flipped a switch and now I’m fucking crazy again. I’m not even *that* bad right now, but all the little things become big things when you’re brain is fighting against you.
Here’s what our day was like yesterday. Good morning, breakfast with the neighbors, cleaned the house, got groceries, started packing. Everything was okay.
It started to go wrong around 3/4pm. Had a ton on my to-do list, wedding and writing and other stuff. Zach activated my credit card. Says I don’t have an online account. wE GET IN A FIGHT ABOUT THAT. He tells me I should have one, I tell him I don’t want one (we’ve had this card for months and I’ve never even noticed), he tells me why I should have one, I say no, he says “fine,” so I try and set up the account on my own which I don’t want to do but now I feel obligated too, and it’s not easy. I have to have a bunch of his information because he’s the primary account holder. And that’s what set me off. Everything has been downhill from there.
First of all, how fucking stupid is that though, seriously.
Second of all, hOW STUPID.
I just went and laid down which is my depressed way of dealing with shit when I don’t want to deal with shit. BED MY HERO. God, I love my bed. SO so much.
Okay so Zach came in and we talked about how silly that was to fight about and I came out and finished packing, but guess what, I was still simmering at a 1/2 because my recovery time is so much worse when I’m PMSing.
Then, it was wedding stuff. Just, dealing with all the moving parts and compromises is overwhelming and I’m sick of it. I just want to enjoy the wedding, and stuff keeps getting back to me even with all my defenses up, including Zach and our planner. I feel like I’m stressing out my friends who all have to pay a buttload of money to do all these activities, which is compounded by the fact that I KNOW how difficult it is to be in a wedding, and how time and money consuming it is, so then I feel guilty about forcing that on my friends.
So, we got a shitty dinner of McDonald’s because I wasn’t hungry and didn’t want to eat anything or make anything and usually that makes me feel better but last night it just made me feel gross. We had eaten so well this week. Blech.
Then, Zach and I were trying to find something funny to watch on TV and it just got out of hand, I was short and snippy and he was frustrated that I couldn’t communicate and it ended with me leaving and just going to bed, sad and grumpy, at like 9:30.
This morning, still feel yuck. Zach and I talked and it didn’t really help. He rebounds so much more quickly than I do, we both agree last night was over minuscule crap, but then I just feel sad that I lost another night to depression, especially when I’m leaving for five days for this retreat and won’t see him until next weekend.
And I’m sad that I’m sad because I’m going to a retreat and I’m not even excited anymore. I applied for, and won, a partial scholarship, I’ve worked so hard to be part of this experience, and I don’t even want to go. 😐 Fuck.
Anyway, this will be my last post until at least Friday, maybe Saturday. I most likely won’t have any wifi to be able to post anything while I’m there.