PMS Depressed 4/10

Surprise surprise surprise

Yesterday afternoon to the evening to this morning right now have been icky. Looked at my calendar: 3 days to my period.

It’s like… So obvious that this is going to happen and so frustrating when it does. It’s like someone flipped a switch and now I’m fucking crazy again. I’m not even *that* bad right now, but all the little things become big things when you’re brain is fighting against you.

Here’s what our day was like yesterday. Good morning, breakfast with the neighbors, cleaned the house, got groceries, started packing. Everything was okay.

It started to go wrong around 3/4pm. Had a ton on my to-do list, wedding and writing and other stuff. Zach activated my credit card. Says I don’t have an online account. wE GET IN A FIGHT ABOUT THAT. He tells me I should have one, I tell him I don’t want one (we’ve had this card for months and I’ve never even noticed), he tells me why I should have one, I say no, he says “fine,” so I try and set up the account on my own which I don’t want to do but now I feel obligated too, and it’s not easy. I have to have a bunch of his information because he’s the primary account holder. And that’s what set me off. Everything has been downhill from there.

First of all, how fucking stupid is that though, seriously.

Second of all, hOW STUPID.

I just went and laid down which is my depressed way of dealing with shit when I don’t want to deal with shit. BED MY HERO. God, I love my bed. SO so much.

Okay so Zach came in and we talked about how silly that was to fight about and I came out and finished packing, but guess what, I was still simmering at a 1/2 because my recovery time is so much worse when I’m PMSing.

Then, it was wedding stuff. Just, dealing with all the moving parts and compromises is overwhelming and I’m sick of it. I just want to enjoy the wedding, and stuff keeps getting back to me even with all my defenses up, including Zach and our planner. I feel like I’m stressing out my friends who all have to pay a buttload of money to do all these activities, which is compounded by the fact that I KNOW how difficult it is to be in a wedding, and how time and money consuming it is, so then I feel guilty about forcing that on my friends.

So, we got a shitty dinner of McDonald’s because I wasn’t hungry and didn’t want to eat anything or make anything and usually that makes me feel better but last night it just made me feel gross. We had eaten so well this week. Blech.

Then, Zach and I were trying to find something funny to watch on TV and it just got out of hand, I was short and snippy and he was frustrated that I couldn’t communicate and it ended with me leaving and just going to bed, sad and grumpy, at like 9:30.

This morning, still feel yuck. Zach and I talked and it didn’t really help. He rebounds so much more quickly than I do, we both agree last night was over minuscule crap, but then I just feel sad that I lost another night to depression, especially when I’m leaving for five days for this retreat and won’t see him until next weekend.

And I’m sad that I’m sad because I’m going to a retreat and I’m not even excited anymore. I applied for, and won, a partial scholarship, I’ve worked so hard to be part of this experience, and I don’t even want to go. 😐 Fuck.

Anyway, this will be my last post until at least Friday, maybe Saturday. I most likely won’t have any wifi to be able to post anything while I’m there.

Stressed-Depressed 2/10

My to-do list and I are in an ever constant battle…

Wedding planning doesn’t help.

Going away for 5 days… should be fun but also I have to prepare… so… doesn’t help.

Meh. Today was going so well. Really it was. Didn’t feel bad or anything. Had a good breakfast. I’m hungry right now, maybe that is one of the problems…

Sometimes it seems like so much and I just want to go into bed and take a nap. I don’t want to think about song order, or a packing list, or meetings with the coordinator, or writing this blog even. LOL.

I was able to catch myself today at least, I was able to stop myself from getting REAL crazy, but I did need to go lay down. Zach came in and talked to me. That helped.

I don’t know, it seems like sometimes I can’t ever catch up. And I want to not need to catch up! I want to just not have these things on my to-do list. That’s what I want. I don’t know if I can delegate it all or if I can figure out a way not to care so much.

Maybe when the wedding is over that will help. But I don’t want to rely on it because WHAT IF IT DOESN’T. What if I just fill up my list over and over and over again?!

What if?

I sing when I’m happy 0/10

Can I just say, that there has been such an amazing response from people after I shared this blog with everyone?! THANK YOU! I was, honestly, terrified.

I’ve been feeling super awesome great the last few days. I am guessing it’s due to 9 hours of sleep a night, 150mg of Bupropion, the fact that I get to go on a 5 day writing retreat in the mountains, and that wedding planning has been delegated.

Something I’ve noticed, a difference in a 0 day that’s normal and a 0 day that is FREAKING GREAT is that I sing. A lot. Especially in the car.

My favorite part of this process is that I’m learning to really lean into the happiness in these moments, driving to work or whatever and just bopping along. I’m realizing how happy I am, and just enjoying it. Because, I know, it’s not always like this. So, I sing along. And dance along… sometimes.

I hope that I can have those same realizations during an episode. Knowing, that they only last for awhile, not forever. I’m getting better at it, but I’m not perfect.

Ah! I wanted to write something really great today because everyone has been so awesome and I have a lot of thoughts on people opening up to me about their own issues BUT I JUST CAN’T DO THAT TODAY! Because I’m feeling good, feeling great. Don’t have time to wax poetic about depression. About to go to a BBQ. So, just know that it’s coming and we can have some good, real, discussions. Soon.

Also, I leave Monday for a five day mountain retreat with no internet… so there’s that…

K BYE

Dreamed about my ex 😐 0/10

Yea, THAT WAS A GREAT WAY TO WAKE UP 😒😒😒

It’s crazy to me how the brain works. It’s been years, YEARS, and I still have dreams about my ex.

In the dream, we were in a crowded public place, he was with his mom, wife, and their kids (he does have a wife, but I don’t actually know if they have kids, I do NOT creep on him… but we ran in a small college circle, so I know he got married) and I’m with my mom. I’m trying to talk to him, to get his attention, to ask him about what went wrong. Blech. It was awful.

As I was waking up, I looked around in the dream and I was like “wait, don’t I have someone?” And I opened my eyes, as I thought, “Zach. I have Zach.” It was morning. I gave him a big hug.

Ugh. What a way to start the day. I’m feeling great, having a pretty good day, but there’s this weird shadow across it now because of the dream. Which sucks! I’ve had many other break-ups where I’ve been the dump-er or the dump-ee, and I don’t dream about those guys. Just this one.

It’s embarrassing. I don’t want to dream about him, about trying to talk to him. I guess my subconscious is still trying to process what happened… 7 years later 😐 none of my break-ups before or since were so brutal. He was incredibly cold when he did it, and I assume that was so he could get through it, but it made me feel like a dirty sock he was tossing aside, not someone he had dated, very seriously, for over a year. What if he SEES this someday? BLECH that would be SO EMBARRASSING. But, that’s what happens when you put your brain vomit on the internet. Who knows, maybe many other people have this same problem, just, none of us talk about it… About the dreams, I mean.

It makes me feel upset, because I wonder if it would have been easier if I was diagnosed earlier. Or even if I was diagnosed sometime shortly after. Maybe I wouldn’t have spent the next 4 years severely depressed, without meds :'(

It makes me feel angry, at myself, for not being able to sort it out and get over it. Angry at my subconscious for subjecting me to the bad memories. You literally cannot OUTRUN A DREAM. There’s nothing I can do.

It makes me sad that it clouds my memories of him, and of college. We had a great time together. I’m glad we broke up, we weren’t right for each other. But instead of looking back at it with bittersweet fondness, all I see is a mark that cut me much deeper than I ever expected. It still hurts to think about it.

It makes me feel guilty, as if it changes the way I feel about Zach. Zach is so, so amazing. He knows all about my past, and loves me anyway. He lets me tell him about the people I once loved and how they hurt me. He doesn’t judge, and it’s not weird for me to bring it up. I don’t know how I got so lucky! What a great man. I’m so glad our relationship is the way that it is. ZACH THANK YOU.

Also, thank you Bupropion.

So, there you have it internet. I’m still haunted by the ghost of my ex-boyfriend, long after our relationship crashed and burned. If you, or anyone you know, has a way to scrub this out of my brain, THAT WOULD BE GREAT. And don’t “Eternal Sunshine” me, okay, I don’t need to erase all my memories, I’m just saying, it would nice to not be attacked in my dreams. That’s all.

Enjoying a day like today! 0/10

There’s a difference between being a happy 0 and a “meh” 0 and TODAY IS A HAPPY ONE. Sometimes the day is just… freaking good.

Maybe it’s because I’ve been sleeping well. Maybe I’m halfway through my cycle lol HORMONES AM I RIGHT. Maybe it’s because my boss told me I only needed to come in for a half day today. Maybe it’s because I figured out a new routine that’s working way better for me… or all of it! I feel great!

I’m learning how to appreciate this day. Just laying on the floor of our living room, which I love to do, and petting ChiChiChi1. Enjoying that I have extra space to wrap up loose ends. Trying to remind myself that someday, when I’m feeling behind, I need to remember that I have moments like these. Moments to catch up. Moments that are JUST GREAT.

I’ve been adjusting to my new schedule and trying to figure out how to get everything done, in a way that doesn’t put too much pressure on myself.

I used to workout with Zach or Amber in the morning, but what I’m finding is that I love to lay in bed in the morning. Which isn’t always a bad thing, if I sit up and get some shit done. I’ve put a website blocker on my computer and an ad blocker on my phone, so I can’t just scroll through social media. So, instead of jumping out of bed in the morning, I lounge. But I’ve learned that if I sit my computer near the bed, I will spend the first couple hours of the morning writing and answering emails and doing chores, which is awesome! Then I workout around 9/9:30, and by that time I am awake and excited and ready to go, and get a great workout in.

It feels good. I’ve also been following my new rule which is NO CHORES AFTER WORK. I have so much more down time! It’s awesome! Tonight, I’m going to have a glass of wine and hang out with *myself* and brainstorm ideas and hopefully do some writing.

Remember this day self, this day does exist! 😀