Same sort of feeling under the surface today as yesterday.
Not necessarily anything bad or different from what a “normal” person would feel on an off day, a dip in energy, a lethargy. For me it’s a constant pull to go lay in bed, to watch YouTube for 4 hours, and to eat junk food. Which is okay, everyone has days like that, but if I give in sometimes that makes things worse.
Sometimes, I have great days, where I’m ready to burst out of bed and go do ALL THE THINGS. Which is also normal. But I’m so aware of everything now, of all the feelings that I have, and what’s in my head space. I’m nervous to give into those lazy feelings because I don’t want to cycle into sadness again.
Dr. R says it’s okay to let myself have bad days.
Zach gets frustrated when I think I might have another episode.
He doesn’t think that I’ll ever be “cured,” but when I joked about potentially never having another episode and then said “yeah right,” that bothered him.
“What if this is the right amount of medication for you, and you never have an episode again?” he said.
“I don’t want to fool myself into thinking that’s true, and not be prepared.”
“But it could happen,”
“No, I don’t think so.”
“That’s not very optimistic.”
“Yea, I’m being realistic.”
And then the conversation basically dies out because we can’t see each other’s point. He has gone with me to therapy, knows part of this is biological, and has done research. There are articles and websites where people find the magic mix of pills that makes it so they never have a depressive episode again.1
That sounds… really fucking nice… but I don’t think it’s healthy for me to think a 6-10 level episode won’t happen again. And he doesn’t think it’s healthy when I assume I will. Has anyone else had this problem?
Maybe I’m perpetrating my own sickness by assuming it will come back, kind of a self-fulfilling prophecy. But if I don’t get prepared, I’m afraid I’ll be caught off guard the next time it happens, and it will cause an episode that would have been moderate to be severe. Honestly, I’m not sure what to do. If I think, with the right amount of medication, I won’t have another episode then when I DO have one… I feel like I did something wrong. Or that I let Zach down. That I wasn’t “strong” enough to not have an episode.2
My thoughts about depression are tangled. It’s hard to articulate them. People tell me I’m “very self aware” about the disorder but sOMETIMES it doesn’t fEELTHATWAY.
Even if I’m aware of the problems, not knowing the solutions is annoying. Ignorance is bliss and all that. I guess the only thing to do is keep moving forward with a guarded optimism. A compromise.
And keep going to bed on time (which I did last night) and keep doing the routines I have in place to make myself feel good. Which are just good for life in general.
Does this happen to you? Is it safe to assume one day you could be free from the torment of mental health illness with the right combination of pills, therapy, and exercise? Or is being prepared for another episode smart?