I’m still not *quite* feeling like myself. It’s hard to describe the subtle difference, between a 0 and a 1 day, but I can feel myself being annoyed or irritable, or sensitive, more so than I usually am.
Maybe I’m actually a 2?
I distracted myself this morning by reading some of the things I wrote in September-December of 2014, right when I got diagnosed and used writing as a form of therapy. In that time period I also went on meds and met Zach. It was strange to read, and hard in some parts. I’ve come so far. I still have a ways to go.
I’ve been writing and meditating consistently, so that’s good. I’ve had this site up for about a week, and have been posting almost daily. But I still haven’t shared it.
Zach knows, Amber knows, a few other friends know… But I haven’t openly been like “hey friends, I’m writing a website about dealing with depression! Come read my deepest, darkest thoughts!”1
I tell myself that the site isn’t *ready* that I want to change the theme and get the About page running and shit but I wonder how many excuses I can give for not making this website public.
These articles aren’t half as intense as the ones I wrote three years ago, and I’m still scared to tell people. I will definitely have to post some of those here as a comparison, and I will, when I get the nerve.
Part of me still feels like… If I don’t get depressed, people won’t care what I have to say. If I just talk about living with depression, but I never write an article when I’m 10/10, no one will… believe me? I have plenty of articles written in the past when I was depressed, but will that be enough? I don’t know. I feel weirdly like a fraud, like I have to prove to you that I have this disorder or you won’t want to read my website.
Such a weird feeling to have.
Not much more to say about today. I’m still going to bed on time and giving myself a HUGE window for sleeping (lights out 10pm, alarm goes off at 7am) but I feel tired today. Supposed to start my period2 and that probably has a lot to do with it. Have to be at work in an hour womp, womp. Don’t really wanna go. Wanna take a nap… At least I got some work done this morning! Bright side!
Fuck the bright side. I got my shit done so I can watch TV all night tonight, and that’s the honest truth.