I’m scared to share this website with people. 1/10

I’m still not *quite* feeling like myself. It’s hard to describe the subtle difference, between a 0 and a 1 day, but I can feel myself being annoyed or irritable, or sensitive, more so than I usually am.

Maybe I’m actually a 2?

I distracted myself this morning by reading some of the things I wrote in September-December of 2014, right when I got diagnosed and used writing as a form of therapy. In that time period I also went on meds and met Zach. It was strange to read, and hard in some parts. I’ve come so far. I still have a ways to go.

I’ve been writing and meditating consistently, so that’s good. I’ve had this site up for about a week, and have been posting almost daily. But I still haven’t shared it.

Zach knows, Amber knows, a few other friends know… But I haven’t openly been like “hey friends, I’m writing a website about dealing with depression! Come read my deepest, darkest thoughts!”1

I tell myself that the site isn’t *ready* that I want to change the theme and get the About page running and shit but I wonder how many excuses I can give for not making this website public.

These articles aren’t half as intense as the ones I wrote three years ago, and I’m still scared to tell people. I will definitely have to post some of those here as a comparison, and I will, when I get the nerve.

Part of me still feels like… If I don’t get depressed, people won’t care what I have to say. If I just talk about living with depression, but I never write an article when I’m 10/10, no one will… believe me? I have plenty of articles written in the past when I was depressed, but will that be enough? I don’t know. I feel weirdly like a fraud, like I have to prove to you that I have this disorder or you won’t want to read my website.

Such a weird feeling to have.

Not much more to say about today. I’m still going to bed on time and giving myself a HUGE window for sleeping (lights out 10pm, alarm goes off at 7am) but I feel tired today. Supposed to start my period2 and that probably has a lot to do with it. Have to be at work in an hour womp, womp. Don’t really wanna go. Wanna take a nap… At least I got some work done this morning! Bright side!

Fuck the bright side. I got my shit done so I can watch TV all night tonight, and that’s the honest truth.

  1. Which is silly, because nothing has been that deep or that dark.
  2. TMI? Deal with it. Women have periods. And mine is extremely correlated with my depressive episodes so I’m going to talk about it a lot.

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