Rough night, rough day. (7/10)

(This post was annotated on August 24, 2017.)

Yesterday, I went to work, and things were okay. Haven’t been eating the best,1 but my schedule changed so I’m adjusting to lunch before work at noon, instead of at like… 2pm.

Came home, hungry,2 Zach and I went out to dinner and then hung out and talked and stuff. It was a good evening.

Then, we had an age old argument in our relationship. I wanted to go to sleep and wanted him with me… because going to bed alone sucks, and he doesn’t need sleep ever, wasn’t tired, and wanted to stay up and watch a movie.3

I feel rejected and lonely,4 he feels annoyed and frustrated because either he has to come lay in bed when he’s not tired or he makes me sad.5 Anyway, I started slipping into sadness and didn’t sleep well due to the argument + my period.6

Woke up, angry. Anger is one of the ways my depression manifests. I’m just fucking angry.7  Zach comes in and tries to coax me out of my mood. I don’t know what I’m feeling. I’m angry and depressed and annoyed. Eat junk food. He eventually lightens the mood by playing a game… let’s see if we can make each other laugh. We spend a few hours reading jokes to each other, from the internet, in bed. I’m still not super ready to do anything.8

Finally, get out of bed and shower at around 4pm. Go to the store for groceries. Realize how bad I’m feeling once I get there. The disconnect is so much more evident when I’m in a public place. I don’t know how to explain the disconnect. Like… you’re there in body, but you’re not there in spirit. Going through the motions. I was wearing my Laura mask. Doing the things but not actually feeling like I was part of the world. It was weird that I didn’t feel that badly until we left.9

Now, I’m at home, waiting for our friends to get her tonight for a game night. Hopefully, friends make it better.10 Sometimes it just heightens the disconnect, but I don’t want to cancel… then I would just lay in bed.11

I hate feeling like this. I wish I could shake it off, so I could enjoy my Saturday and my day off. I really hate when it happens on the weekend, and I lose a whole day. Mornings are especially hard, to get myself moving. I didn’t get out of bed til 4PM TODAY.12

Dr. R would tell me not to beat myself up for having a bad day and “not getting anything done.” He doesn’t want me to label a depressed day as a wasted one.13 Well, it feels like it was wasted. If I felt okay, I could have done one of the many things on my to-do list that I WANT to do, that I LIKE to do. Depression doesn’t take away the wanting… It just takes away the ability to do it.14 I lay here wishing I could get up and go write and have fun like I do when I’m not feeling badly. I want to be that person again. An episode feels like just passing the time until you can feel like yourself again. Luckily, usually I’m just grumpy and angry during these. It could be a lot worse. I could want to kill myself.15 I don’t, because I want to do all the things. I just want it to be over.

Say want one more time.

Want.16

I don’t even care to edit this right now, so it’s just going to remain free writing and whatever shit I just plopped out is what I’m posting today.17 I wish I could have myself back from four days ago. That girl was so much easier to live with.18

  1. Not a good sign, I am more inclined to take care of myself when I feel good… like most people.
  2. Another red flag for what is coming. Food and sleep are two major indications that I’m having depressive tendencies.
  3. We have had this fight SO MANY TIMES and it has gotten much better since the beginning, but we’re still working on it.
  4. This is me reading into his actions, and assuming that it has something to do with ME, when really, Zach just isn’t tired yet.
  5. I use guilt to try and make him do what I want, not a great thing in a relationship :\
  6. After an argument like this, I tend to go to bed and let my feelings fester as I fall asleep. It should be noted that Zach didn’t come to bed, he stayed up and watched a movie.
  7. Since we didn’t resolve our fight the night before, I woke up feeling terrible, but now it’s starting to go from a manageable argument to triggering more and more depressive tendencies. This is one of the biggest things I want to work on, to recognize this and try and counteract it, without always relying on someone to get me out of it. It’s okay to rely on people, of course, but stopping my festering thoughts before they lead to something worse could save me a lot of pain.
  8. Overall, I’m proud of how this progressed. We’ve both come a long way, and Zach was able to spot my need for him, and I was able to let him help. That wasn’t always the case.
  9. I’m still not sure how to explain this feeling to people who haven’t had it. Reading it right now, when I feel great, it’s still amazing to me that I can have moments like this. Where I don’t even feel like part of the world. I think in this case, it’s usually best to try and get out and about if I can, but not force it, because that can sometimes make it worse. It’s all about finding the right balance.
  10. Spoiler alert: they did!
  11. DON’T EVER CANCEL FRIENDS ALWAYS MAKE ME FEEL BETTER!!!
  12. THIS RIGHT HERE. This is the biggest problem in my thinking. I am so incredibly hard on myself in a depressive state. One morning/afternoon lost to an episode is NO BIG DEAL! I get so much done in the times when I’m better. I really need to come back to this post and read it in my next episode. SELF: JUST TAKE A NAP IT’S OKAY NOT TO GET SHIT DONE TODAY!
  13. LOL clearly this is what I need to work on.
  14. Which actually sucks, you really want to have some fun, but because you’re depressed, you can’t.
  15. If you have suicidal thoughts PLEASE seek out help.
  16. I’m funny, even depressed.
  17. And I didn’t edit it at all! Good job self. Proud of you for just getting it out.
  18. I’M BACK BITCHES!

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