I don’t know how to go easy on myself. 2/10

It’s amazing how even though I know my patterns and I know that around this time, I get depressed, I still am surprised when it happens.

Maybe not so much surprised, but annoyed.

I’m hard on myself for not being able to get up and have the day that I want. And that becomes a cycle, because then when I’m mad at myself, I have even less motivation.

It has been taking me awhile to get up and get going this past few days. And then by the time I get going, I have to go to work. And then I get frustrated because I don’t want to go to work, I want to keep doing the projects that I’m working on, and I’m mad at myself because I *know* that if I had gotten out of bed when my alarm went off, I would have gotten more done.

It happens every time. And I don’t know how to be nicer to myself!!!

Again, as usual, this phase feels like it lasts forever. Like these days were I can’t be 100% myself, at a level 0, are all I have. Logically, I know that last Tuesday was a good and productive day for me! And that this will fade! But the strange fog of a “2” always makes me want to go back to bed. It’s a weight that drags me down even though I want to get stuff done. And I don’t just mean chores, like clean my house, but I mean actually do some writing. I have so many ideas for stories and they’re just sitting up there because it takes me so long to get out of bed in the morning right now.

Zach and I are going to try and get back into a routine, together. We split after I stopped nannying, and I’ve kind of fallen off the wagon, although I’m still working out 3ish times a week. I hope that I can get in the habit enough that, if I have a few rough mornings, I can just get back to it when they pass. Who knows.

I can still feel my frustration with myself right now. It’s sizzling under the surface. But I have to go to work, today, right now. I don’t know how to be proud of myself for what I DID accomplish this morning. I don’t know what to do to stop being so critical. Practice meditation daily, as I try and do. I don’t know. That voice in my head, she is MEAN!

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