The Never-ending To-Do List. 1/10

If I’m being honest with myself, I’d say that level 1 is my baseline. It’s pretty much where I live. Where, I’m getting by and fairly content, but not quite 100% free of depression. A 0 day is so exciting, and one thing I’ve learned is to really relish the moments where I’m just happy, and life feels so good. Life is good now, but I’m not singing about it… I sing a lot at 0.

Something that has to do1 with what I talked about yesterday is my “to-do” list. I have a tendency to focus on what I didn’t get done instead of what I did get done. The problem with this pattern is that MY TO-DO LIST IS NEVER OVER.

I’ve worked hard these past three years to try and separate myself from the ball and chain of a to-do list. Because it usually made me feel worse about myself for not finishing it. And, overall, I don’t have a day to day one written down. I usually have a running list, that has stuff without a deadline on it, so I don’t forget. The way it’s set up in my phone, I can also see everything I crossed off. This helps to remind me that I do finish things.

The problem is in my head though. I will be doing something and then start to ruminate on all the things I have/want to do that day. So, for me, a list is just a way to get it out of my brain. If I don’t write it down, then it’s just buzzing in my head all day. If I do write it down, it lowers my self esteem when I don’t get everything done. It’s a catch-22.

Again, this is what meditation is for, and I’m doing my best to catch myself in the act, but the brain is a powerful foe and trying to calm the beast feels like a lot of work. And honestly, I want to do the things on my list! My solution is… don’t go to work. Then I can get all the things done.

Another way I’ve tried to combat this monkey mind telling me to do chores and only chores is to stop using so much social media. I have blockers on my phone and laptop that limit me to a certain amount of time each day. I also have forced myself NOT to do chores after work. That is relax time.

Last night, I didn’t know what to do with myself. Dinner was made, and I wasn’t allowing myself to clean stuff, or to work on writing, so I just… hung out. It was weird. I don’t know what to do with myself without a task. But I liked it. I’m hoping that I’ll have more and more of those moments, and learn to enjoy them, so I’m not always grinding my gears!

  1. Heh.

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