Yea, THAT WAS A GREAT WAY TO WAKE UP 😒😒😒
It’s crazy to me how the brain works. It’s been years, YEARS, and I still have dreams about my ex.
In the dream, we were in a crowded public place, he was with his mom, wife, and their kids (he does have a wife, but I don’t actually know if they have kids, I do NOT creep on him… but we ran in a small college circle, so I know he got married) and I’m with my mom. I’m trying to talk to him, to get his attention, to ask him about what went wrong. Blech. It was awful.
As I was waking up, I looked around in the dream and I was like “wait, don’t I have someone?” And I opened my eyes, as I thought, “Zach. I have Zach.” It was morning. I gave him a big hug.
Ugh. What a way to start the day. I’m feeling great, having a pretty good day, but there’s this weird shadow across it now because of the dream. Which sucks! I’ve had many other break-ups where I’ve been the dump-er or the dump-ee, and I don’t dream about those guys. Just this one.
It’s embarrassing. I don’t want to dream about him, about trying to talk to him. I guess my subconscious is still trying to process what happened… 7 years later 😐 none of my break-ups before or since were so brutal. He was incredibly cold when he did it, and I assume that was so he could get through it, but it made me feel like a dirty sock he was tossing aside, not someone he had dated, very seriously, for over a year. What if he SEES this someday? BLECH that would be SO EMBARRASSING. But, that’s what happens when you put your brain vomit on the internet. Who knows, maybe many other people have this same problem, just, none of us talk about it… About the dreams, I mean.
It makes me feel upset, because I wonder if it would have been easier if I was diagnosed earlier. Or even if I was diagnosed sometime shortly after. Maybe I wouldn’t have spent the next 4 years severely depressed, without meds :'(
It makes me feel angry, at myself, for not being able to sort it out and get over it. Angry at my subconscious for subjecting me to the bad memories. You literally cannot OUTRUN A DREAM. There’s nothing I can do.
It makes me sad that it clouds my memories of him, and of college. We had a great time together. I’m glad we broke up, we weren’t right for each other. But instead of looking back at it with bittersweet fondness, all I see is a mark that cut me much deeper than I ever expected. It still hurts to think about it.
It makes me feel guilty, as if it changes the way I feel about Zach. Zach is so, so amazing. He knows all about my past, and loves me anyway. He lets me tell him about the people I once loved and how they hurt me. He doesn’t judge, and it’s not weird for me to bring it up. I don’t know how I got so lucky! What a great man. I’m so glad our relationship is the way that it is. ZACH THANK YOU.
Also, thank you Bupropion.
So, there you have it internet. I’m still haunted by the ghost of my ex-boyfriend, long after our relationship crashed and burned. If you, or anyone you know, has a way to scrub this out of my brain, THAT WOULD BE GREAT. And don’t “Eternal Sunshine” me, okay, I don’t need to erase all my memories, I’m just saying, it would nice to not be attacked in my dreams. That’s all.