I feel a lot better today.
I actually was surprised at how well Monday and Tuesday went for me, and for Zach. We got through it as a team, and I was able to step back and look and see that I was depressed, without it taking over. It was awesome.
Now, I am super sore from a new workout and it’s giving me a headache and I’m laying on my heating pad and I just want to go to sleep but I have to go to work and clean the store and that sounds truly awful. Also, I need to eat lunch right now. But we have like no food left and our meal delivery service did NOT come through this week which stinks.
I want to write something prolific about how I’m feeling better and about therapy today but I just don’t have the energy. Sometimes I don’t post because I just don’t think I have anything good to say. But I’d rather post daily shit than nothing at all. Even if it’s just a peek into my daily life. Social media has created such a bubble that makes you think everyone around you is living superawesomefun lives, and at least if I post today you know that I truly feel like crap. And if you saw me out on the street I would probably smile and be nice, but know this. I feel. Like. Shit. And I want to go back to bed. Life is not all froofroo rainbows no matter what my Snapchat says!
This is the second day in a row where I’m feeling bad, but getting through it. I would say this is the worst my depression has been with me actually still functioning. It feels a little bit like the work that I have done, and maybe even this blog, is actually helping…
If I think about what I’m doing today, I will lose momentum. I’ve been working full time again and that directly relates to my mood. Not only do I lose the time I usually have to take care of myself and do chores, but I have to spend a whole day at work. I know, I’m complaining about a LUXURY that I have, which is that I normally can work part time. But it’s very interesting to me that the 40 hour work week so directly impacts my mood. I wonder how many other people out there are suffering on the pointlessness of it all?!?!?!
I’m not going to listen to podcasts at work today, that didn’t help yesterday. One of my favorites can get a little existential and that definitely didn’t help!!! Just rap music maybe.
Because I’ve already prepared a lot of my food ahead of time for this week, that gives me more chance to take care of myself. Instead of reverting to junk food for breakfast, snacks, and lunch, I’m sticking to the pre-made stuff I have in the fridge. This helps me by giving me nutrition and also I don’t beat myself up for eating junk food. I had mac n cheese for dinner last night, but I’m actually proud that 2 of my 3 meals were healthy. Also, it wasn’t my fault that we had no healthy dinner. We ordered from a meal delivery service for athletes to have all our dinners delivered this week, and they haven’t arrived yet. Zach’s emailed them, but we TRIED. So, I’m not faulting myself for mac n cheese. Sometimes, eating anything is better than me not eating at all.
But I still feel grumpy and moody, overall. I’m just surprised at how well I’m functioning and how I’m getting through it. Zach and I talked about it last night, both of us are glad that I’m getting better at dealing with the mood swings. Even though I was super irritable last night and irrational and stayed up too late. Got up today. Just gotta do it. Keep going. Wait for it to pass. It will pass. It always passes.
Feeling poop today. Not a surprise. Handling it fairly well. That’s a good sign.
Was able to tell Zach about it without a massive freak out. Was able to get through work. Have been eating. Went to the gym. Basically, this is the worst I’ve felt while still doing the most things. Pretty awesome.
I don’t want to write about it. That’s the problem with running a depression blog. When you’re feeling depressed, you don’t want to do shit.
Whatever. I’m here. I’m writing it. I’m doing the thing.
I’ve been feeling pretty emotional since the bachelor/ette party we had a few weekends ago. It was so great to have so many people I love so much in the same house. And then I went back to regular life, like, WHAT IS THE POINT OF ALL THIS?!?!?!?!
Why did I move so far away from my parents? That was dumb. I miss them all the time.
Why have we all collectively agreed that working 40 hours a week is okay? I really don’t get it. I was at work today and I was like, this is SO STUPID. I’m in the back of a windowless room, all day, working on stuff that isn’t actually that important… and there are mountains outside. And the ocean. And puppies. It just feels like… a waste of all my time. But this is “how life is,” as I’ve been told many, many, many times. This is how life is. This is how “everyone” does it.
So dumb. It doesn’t make sense to me. I feel like I’m taking crazy pills… how is everyone okay with how stupid the flow of our daily lives has become.
That’s how I feel today. Like I’m wasting it. And there’s not much I can do to change that.
The weekend was amazing.
But, it’s over, and I’m feeling poopy. Is that surprising? No. All my friends were there and now they’re gone… Also, I drank wine. All that makes for a Tuesday evening Laura that does not feel good.
Honestly though, it’s hard to go back to work after you’ve been surrounded by all the people you love, especially the ones you see once or twice a year. I’m just there, working, like… is this really it? Life seems so lame!
I know I’d probably be bored if I “partied” all the time, but… who knows. It seems sad the way we live our lives, in general. Working all day at jobs most of us don’t love. I don’t even mind my job, usually I like it, and it gets me out of the house, but I do that so much more than spend time with my friends and family it seems.
I wish I could just live at the beach with everyone I love in a big mansion. As everyone knows, that’s a crazy dream, which makes me sad.
I know this is just my poopy depression sinking my brain down, and I think I’m doing a better job of handling it. I got groceries today. I’ve managed to get through the day without being too much of a downer. I went to work. I wrote a post today. Just waiting for the person who posted last week to come back… that’s the life of a depressed person.
My last few mornings have been busy, wow! So this morning I’m just… sitting down. For a bit. I’ve found that I get a lot of writing done in the evenings now, poems and such. Good for writing new stuff. Morning is better for editing. But, as always, I wish I had more hours in the day! Building a writing career involves so much behind the scenes work, including submitting and editing, research, classes, etc. I’m trying not to get overwhelmed by it and just telling myself: do one thing a day.
Go exercise. Do something for your writing. Clean a bit. Relax. That is my perfect balanced day.
Annnnnd have some fun! We are going to the beach this weekend so I will probably be silent for the next few days! 🙂