This is the second day in a row where I’m feeling bad, but getting through it. I would say this is the worst my depression has been with me actually still functioning. It feels a little bit like the work that I have done, and maybe even this blog, is actually helping…
If I think about what I’m doing today, I will lose momentum. I’ve been working full time again and that directly relates to my mood. Not only do I lose the time I usually have to take care of myself and do chores, but I have to spend a whole day at work. I know, I’m complaining about a LUXURY that I have, which is that I normally can work part time. But it’s very interesting to me that the 40 hour work week so directly impacts my mood. I wonder how many other people out there are suffering on the pointlessness of it all?!?!?!
I’m not going to listen to podcasts at work today, that didn’t help yesterday. One of my favorites can get a little existential and that definitely didn’t help!!! Just rap music maybe.
Because I’ve already prepared a lot of my food ahead of time for this week, that gives me more chance to take care of myself. Instead of reverting to junk food for breakfast, snacks, and lunch, I’m sticking to the pre-made stuff I have in the fridge. This helps me by giving me nutrition and also I don’t beat myself up for eating junk food. I had mac n cheese for dinner last night, but I’m actually proud that 2 of my 3 meals were healthy. Also, it wasn’t my fault that we had no healthy dinner. We ordered from a meal delivery service for athletes to have all our dinners delivered this week, and they haven’t arrived yet. Zach’s emailed them, but we TRIED. So, I’m not faulting myself for mac n cheese. Sometimes, eating anything is better than me not eating at all.
But I still feel grumpy and moody, overall. I’m just surprised at how well I’m functioning and how I’m getting through it. Zach and I talked about it last night, both of us are glad that I’m getting better at dealing with the mood swings. Even though I was super irritable last night and irrational and stayed up too late. Got up today. Just gotta do it. Keep going. Wait for it to pass. It will pass. It always passes.