Sometimes I wonder if I’m “depressed” enough to write this blog, isn’t that funny? Like, if I have too many 0 days in a row, I’m not an authority enough to say anything. But, big picture, I take antidepressants twice a day, and see a therapist, and have a consistent workout schedule. If I stopped any of that, I might have a lot less 0 days.
I wasn’t always like this. 3 years ago I was a HOT MESS. I don’t know if I could have kept a blog like this up then. And so many blogs about mental health… just disappear. One of my favorites is no longer even a domain. So I’m going to do my best to keep writing and keep talking, because I definitely will have more bad days, and also, I want people to see that you CAN have good days. A lot of them.
That being said, I wish I could feel like this all the time. The last few days have been so nice, and I’ve gotten exercise, and eaten well, and seen the chiropractor, and gotten along with Zach, and I feel good and bubbly and happy.
I know it’s not “realistic” to think that anyone can always feel like this. My best example of optimism is Zach, and he gets frustrated, angry, and depressed, just like any other human. But man, I can tell you that he lives in a good mood far more often than I do! Which makes sense because he doesn’t have Major Depressive Disorder!
And how unfair is that? I see so many people saying like, that a difficulty had made them grateful… and okay, I can see how my depression can be a tool. As I’ve learned how to deal with it more, it’s become a good way for me to look at my life objectively and have some introspection. When I’m feeling good, the optimist in me feels invincible. When I’m depressed, the pessimist in me CAN be realistic. Not always. But when I am realistic, and objective, that can help me.
I’m not able to do that every time I have an episode. What I’m saying is, I can see *some* benefits of depression, if you’re going to force me too. But fuck… life sure would be a lot more simple if I could just be… “normal.”
Alas, it is my duty in life to deal with depression, and I guess talk about it. Everyone has shit that is difficult in their lives, and at the very least, I can hopefully make mental health illness stigma a litttttle bit less if I keep typing about it. That is another upside I guess, if I can help other people. So, I’m going to keep telling myself that this is helping y’all, and helping me. And maybe I won’t be SO annoyed that I have depression.
Let’s give thanks for the good moods eh? Also, for Bupropion. Thank you Bupropion. I’m feeling fucking great today.