Ok ok ok so I fell off the wagon… Haven’t posted in weeks, but to be fair I DID get married.
So there’s that.
I assume most blogs dip in updates around huge life events and I apologize in advance because it will happen again eventually… Babies hehehe.
Now, I’m here to tell you about how there’s a low-level sadness running through me, while I literally sit poolside in Aruba.
I thought it might be a nice way to show that depression will fuck with you anywhere. Even when you’re on the beach, on vacation.
I’m guessing there are many reasons I feel funky, a little bit is that the wedding is over and that’s sad! And that I have a mild cold 😒 which is NOT fun on your honeymoon. That my chronic side pain, which has gotten better with meds, still hurts and I’m starting to get nervous. I have an endoscopy scheduled a week after we get back and it’s starting to loom a little bit. What if they still can’t give me an answer? What if it’s something… Really intense and scary?!
I’m missing my parents a lot. Having everyone in town for the wedding was just wonderful. What do I do now? What do I do when I go home? Where do I go from here? It seems like planning filled a void and pushed off questions I don’t have the answer to. What is next for my life? Writing? Kids? Travel? Acting? I can’t ignore the fact that I feel pulled in a million directions any longer…
Maybe I’m a little bored too. We’ve been here 9 days which is a lot! And even doing activities, reading, working out, and watching movies, the days seem so long without work and chores. I should have brought more books! I didn’t even bring a notebook which is so unlike me!
We also haven’t been able to eat very well. By that I mean nutritionally… There’s a ton of food here… Fried and cheesy 😓 which might not be helping my mood, even though it’s yummy.
It’s been fun mostly though. The first day we did a Jeep tour, and the next two days we did 5 dives! We’ve had some great meals and the water is so beautiful here I could stay in it forever. Yesterday was one of the best days we’ve had yet. I’m not NOT having a good time. But depression doesn’t care if you’re on vacation, it can still weasel into your psyche. Luckily, Zach is here and he knows, and there’s so much water around which is a great way to cheer me up – SWIMMING – and being in paradise makes it a little bit easier to pull myself out of the hole. We lifted in the gym today and Zach’s gonna take me tubing later. If that doesn’t help I should just go to bed and try again tomorrow.