Annotated on January 17, 2018, feeling 0/10
As soon as I bragged about having a good week everything shit the bed.
I am forcing myself to write through it but I really don’t want too.1
My work has fallen apart.2 I can’t talk about it much here because I still work there, but it’s not looking good.3The new owner doesn’t get along very well with the manager4 and everything is a mess and I’m scared that my job is going to be in jeopardy5 and I CAN’T GET A NEW JOB.6
Thinking about it makes me feel like shit.7 I don’t have any experience in the field I studied in school and I have no desire to work in it.8 I don’t have any real experience other than childcare.9 I just feel like an absolute piece of shit that can’t make any money in an actual job like a grown up.10 Zach’s eternal optimism about it is the worst.11 I am a performer and an artist and if that is your interest you’re basically screwed to a lifetime of shit jobs.12
NOT ACTUALLY TRUE BUT DEFINITELY MAKES IT A LOT HARDER DOESN’T IT.13
There are a lot more openings for a dental office receptionist than a performer or a writer though.14 Okay? Okay.
- This is the hardest part about running this blog. I want to show everything, the good, the bad, and the ugly. And on a good day, it all seems possible. But during an actual episode, the thought of pulling out my laptop to write is a herculean task. Sometimes, if I’m having a really bad episode and I can’t write through it I FEEL GUILTY! Because I believe that you guys have the right to see what it’s really like, and not this curated version of me talking about living with depression but never actually showing it. And I also know that if I can write it down, generally, it makes me feel better.
- This was true at the time. I couldn’t see past that moment though. I reacted very strongly to the change, without being able to think that I might survive.
- This is true. It wasn’t looking good. I think managing my expectations, and working on mindfulness could have helped me steer through this change better.
- She quit :(
- It wasn’t.
- THIS IS AN ABSOLUTE. These pop up when I’m having distorted thinking. This is the result of me feeling shitty about my working life, and the fact that I frequently job hop, and never feel very satisfied in my career path. Not referring to my writing career, of course, but it’s hard to think I have a career in writing when I’ve yet to get published or paid. Ah, the life of a writer.
- Depressive thinking is such a spiral. I wish I had a better way not to get lost in it, but that’s a lot easier said than done.
- One of my bigger regrets, again, I don’t know how to look at that more positively, other than knowing I got a lot of life experience from going to college.
- This isn’t exactly true. I just have the MOST experience in childcare. I could work somewhere else.
- Oof. I am not being very nice to me here. :/ It is hard when you feel that your life goals and passions don’t fit in with what society deems “valuable.” If I wanted to be an accountant would my life be easier? Who knows.
- Another absolute, ahaha, sorry honey. It is hard to be around him when I’m in an episode, and sometimes his optimism backfires!
- This might be putting it a bit dramatically, but it’s not… not true. Ahahaha. But, in this post, I’m not taking into account all the work I have done to build up my work as a writer. Just because I’m not “successful” in traditional terms doesn’t mean I shouldn’t be proud of myself! BE PROUD SELF!
- Yes, but does that mean you give up? No.
- LOL, yes, this is true.
- One of my other huge challenges during an episode: communication. I might have been able to downgrade this one, or avoid it altogether, if I was able to tell Zach how I was feeling. Depression frequently causes me to isolate myself, which inevitably makes me feel worse. We are both working on being better at telling and asking when it comes to my depression.
- But, you survived, again, just like you did before. During an episode, it feels like they will last forever, when in general, now, mine last a day or less!