I Don’t Want to Post Today 4/10

I’m struggling.

When I’m feeling okay I feel like I have nothing to say. When I’m feeling bad, I don’t want to broadcast it all over the internet. So people know I feel like shit. Guess I shouldn’t have started a blog about it 😐

Not good physically, not good mentally. Last night I was up in the middle of the night with horrible stomach cramps. I have been sleeping a lot this week. My stomach hurts, I’m scared to eat, and I’m exhausted. I called out of work twice.

And I don’t know what to do next. Maybe make an appointment with someone to talk about food intolerance, but I’m so tired that I just slept all afternoon. Then I feel guilty because I didn’t do that one thing to try and get better. I feel like a burden on Zach who’s been working all week and also making all the meals, while I sit on the couch like a blob.

This is a familiar place for me. Things I want to do stack up while I lay around, too sick to find the energy to make anything happen. Watching the hours and days slip away. It might only be a week or two, but inside it, it feels like a lifetime. I’m losing the battle mentally, because it’s hard to feel good when you’re physically ill, especially when there are no answers. I can’t eat. I don’t exercise. It’s a vicious circle, and hard to get out of. This is the part of life and depression where I need to lean on people, but why, even this many years into it, is it so damn hard to ask for help?!

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