Getting Cocky

Titling these posts is weird sometimes. But, I am getting cocky. Because this is the part of the month when I’m feeling real great. Routine is back in order. Getting stuff done. Not distracted by my phone. Read a book.

So, I go for my morning walk and I feel sooooo great. And I get cocky. Like, maybe I will stay like this.

That’s the problem with depression. Because I know, traditionally, that my moods cycle with my hormones, and that in a few weeks I won’t feel so good. I KNOW that. But, it feels so good to feel good like this, and I don’t want to admit to myself that it will probably, most likely, definitely, end.

That’s normal though. People’s moods fluctuate based on a lot of things. But when you have Deeeeepression, you know that your lows are going to dip you pretty low. Even with the structured routine. Even with the medication. Even with the therapy.

It’s just gonna happen. It’s major depressive disorder. It’s part of life.

Sometimes, that is what makes an episode so hard for me. It’s a catch 22. I love to feel good, but when I have an episode, I feel GUILTY that I don’t feel good. You bury yourself deeper and deeper. You resent that you can’t feel happier like you did last week. What a cycle.

So, today, maybe I will just revel in the nicety of getting through my day easily, and hope that my next low isn’t too low.

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