About

The short one:

Hey guys, I’m Laura, and I have major depressive disorder. I was diagnosed in the summer of 2014 after seeking out a therapist because I had all but lost the will to live. Since then, I have started cognitive based therapy with Dr. R. In October 2014 I went on medication, 75mg of Bupropion daily, which I bumped up to twice a day (150mg) in July of 2017. This is a daily1 blog about living with depression.

I have a scale to rate my depressive episodes. 0 is no depression, 5 is depressed but coping, and 10 means I’m having thoughts of death and cannot get out of bed. If I’m above a 0 or write during an episode, I will note it in the title. Any posts that are 5-10 I will go back and annotate2 when I feel better, so we all can see where I have distorted thinking.

Please feel free to leave comments and ask questions. I’m an open book, and would love to hear how you and your loved ones deal with mental health illness.

If you are having suicidal thoughts, please call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255.

For more information on Laura, please visit her author website.

The Long One:

I’m not quite sure when my depression started, but I would guess sometime around my junior year of high school. I wrote it off as typical teenage angst, but looking back I suspect it was more than that.

I got through high school fairly unscathed. The first time I saw a counselor was in college, when I was having trouble dealing with the stress of my responsibilities. I  met with her only once, and although I can certainly pinpoint a few times that my depression reared its ugly head, none of the episodes were so bad that anyone noticed, or that I couldn’t deal with on my own.

After graduation was were the trouble began. My boyfriend at the time was still in school, and I didn’t know what I wanted to do. I had been in school for 16 years, and though my degree was in Interior Design, I really wanted to become an actress. I moved home and tried to build my acting career, but the combination of a long distance relationship and a daunting future caused me to become depressed. I leaned heavily on my family, friends, and boyfriend as I tried to figure out my next steps.

In April 2011, my college sweetheart broke up with me. It was traumatic, and the trigger that broke me. My depression went from mild to severe, as most would expect after a breakup, but unfortunately it never went back down. I sought counseling and saw a therapist all summer. In the fall, I moved from Michigan to New York city.

My two years in New York City were a blur. I had some minor career success, but I spent those two years in and out of severe depressive episodes. I partied a lot, drank even more, and dated terrible men. Eventually, I landed a job performing for children that moved me down to Raleigh. I was excited for the opportunity, and looking forward to a fresh start.

I moved to Raleigh in the fall of 2013. I met someone right away, and started dating him. I still drank a lot. In the January, he dumped me. In February, I was let go from my job. I was now in Raleigh, where I knew almost nobody, with no job, and no idea what to do.

That was when my depression peaked. It had been bad since the break-up, but I spent the spring and summer in a relentless fog of misery. I hid it behind a mask of cheerfulness, but the cracks where starting to show. I drank a lot more, spent most of my time in bed, and was late for, or missed, work.

I finally sought help and was diagnosed with severe major depressive disorder, minor substance abuse problems, and a very minor histrionic personality disorder.

Since then, I have been doing cognitive based therapy with my amazing therapist, Dr. R, and have been on a steady dose of Bupropion. I have also met, and gotten engaged to a wonderful man named Zach. He has been incredibly supportive as we work through handling my disorder together. I have made incredible strides including managing my alcohol intake (I still drink but on a much MUCH smaller scale) and pinpointing when I’m having episodes and telling Zach and my friends3 so they can help. Do I still reach 10/10? Absolutely. But now, it lasts for days, instead of months… or years.

This blog will be a continuation of the work I’ve already done, a dialogue to help me analyze my own depression and see why and how it happens, and also hopefully to let anyone else out there know YOU ARE NOT ALONE. It’s so easy to suffer in silence. It’s surprisingly easy to hide. It’s not easy to ask for help, but it’s so, so worth it.

-Laura

Please feel free to leave comments and ask questions. I’m an open book, and would love to hear how you and your loved ones deal with mental health illness.

If you are having suicidal thoughts, please call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255.

For more information on Laura, please visit her author website.

  1. Mostly.
  2. Like this.
  3. Hi Amber!