Workaholicism & Saying “No”

Hello!

Wow, have I been up to stuff! Lots of stuff! I started working with a producer to record audiobooks and have already landed my first book contract 🙂 very exciting! It’s a royalty share program which means once the book is done I will get some of the royalties from all the audiobooks sold, which is cool. It’s also lots of performing, and an interesting challenge that I’ve never faced before. Recording audiobooks is tiring! I can only do about 2 hours before I have to stop.

I also have been writing my new novel, I’m about 8000 words in. And, this month I’ve been working on a short film. Busy!

Which brings me to what I’ve been thinking about this morning, and that is, workaholics. I feel like there is such a “thing” in our society to see who can be the busiest, who can work harder, who is stretched the thinnest. It’s like this competition to say “oh I’ve barely slept this week I’m just soooo busy,” and I hate that.

Why am I supposed to be impressed that you’re working 10 – 12 hour days every day? Why am I supposed to be impressed that you haven’t had a day off in 2 weeks? Or that you’re so stressed from all you have to do, and you win the “most miserable” competition? There are a lot of different ideas here, but overall, it seems like a lot of America is working too much and too proud of that.

“I’ll sleep when I die” or “while you sleep I WORK” or “#grind” … I need to sleep. Sorry not sorry. I aim for 8 hours a night. And that is weird to people! They “just can’t do that.” Arguably, I am more productive in an hour, after 8 hours of sleep, than you are in 2 hours after 5. Right? I think so. I get up early and I get my work done.

This is minimalism leaking into my life. I want to do LESS. I want to focus myself. Right now writing novels is my #1. Audiobooks is my #2 (unless I hate it). This blog… well… if you can’t tell… it’s pretty low on my list LOL. I do like to blog, but the value I get out of it isn’t worth the effort of a more strict schedule. Maybe it will be someday, but right now I want to focus on my two main goals. And that means writing one page a day no matter what. And that also means a lot of reading and time in the studio.

I had 3 auditions and got 2 of the books. We looked at the projects, and ended up turning on down because it was a looooong book. I was anxious to do that, because I’m just starting out! But objectively, it didn’t make sense to commit to that project. It’s okay to say no. Now I can focus on making my first book the BEST it can be. And there will be more after.

Is there something you can cut out of your life? Something that you’ve been hanging onto for whatever reason… afraid to say no, afraid to lose it as part of your identity, afraid to have more time? Something that if you let it go (or someone) you’d have more time for the things you love? Things that would make you happier?

Today, I worked on my book and some of my other goals and then I spent the afternoon with two good friends doing a puzzle. Socializing. Talking. And now I am doing a little more work, but I’m not cramming my schedule full because I want space to breathe and think and be. If you try to compete with me for who is the busiest YOU WIN and you can have the prize because I don’t want it.

Sometimes it’s hard to let things go, but once we do, we realize that we’re soooo much better off… yah… think about that 🙂

Where Have I Been?! 0/10

OMG! I bet you’re like, hEY LAURA WHERE YOU AT GIRL?

Yah, I know, but I been busy yo. Real busy. Work has been slammed, we got a new manager, AGAIN. I started my next book… two pages in as of right now, about to write the third. And… I GOT CAST WOO!

I started auditioning for film roles in the area and it has been going really, really well. I should have known. I’ve never had a lot of success onstage, but damn, they love me in front of a camera.

It’s called “Fear to be Brave” a post-apocalyptic indie movie set in the Raleigh-Durham area. No pay, nothing fancy, but I’m on camera again and I’m so pumped. I also happen to be in the murderous faction with the bad guys, and am the main villain’s sidekick and get to learn fight choreography and beat the crap out of people onscreen, so, yeah, it’s going to be REAL fun.

That means my schedule is crammed. I work half the day and audition/film half the day. Oh man.

I also am working on my first book review for Run Spot Run, where I will be publishing monthly, and I’m so excited about that! A great way for me to get my name out there, and build a platform with my writing.

I was worried that I need to take down the site. I don’t know how people are going to react if they are trying to cast me and see it. That sucks. There’s still a stigma, and that makes me want to hide what I’m talking about. Man.

Will I be here posting often? Probably not this month. Taking the break was really nice, and not having to think about the blog expanded room for other projects to start. My depression was rough a couple weeks ago. It’s always the same, coming and going in a cycle. There is a chance I need to change/up my medicine. I may be adjusting to it, so it’s not working as well… we’ll see.

This was a lot of rambling, but I’m pretty tired and have been doing a lot today. Hopefully I can post again with updates on the film.

I’m always hoping that I never have another episode again, but that’s an unrealistic dream.

Daily Blogging?

I think I am going to take a break from daily blogging.

This site is new, it’s a baby, and I’m still not quite sure how I want it to work for me.

I am always striving for balance. I do know that daily blogging, while simple and quick, is clogging my time. I also don’t think the posts are the kind of posts I want on here? I’d rather have less posts, more thought out, interspersed with the times I can get on here and write through an episode.

I want more time to write my book. I also want less “obligations.” I know that building a website and a following takes commitment and dedication and it can be work. I don’t want this to be work. I would love to help people, to reach people, to share my experiences so others can open up, but not at the sacrifice of my own mental health. By that I mean, making the blog a daily priority takes away from other things that can better help me to survive day to day.

Not saying that I don’t want to continue the site, I do! I just think the format may be changing a bit. I also need a break while I deal with sickness… a cold that I have now, plus the underlying abdominal issues I’ve been having… and while I deal with work, which is still in controlled chaos as we transition owners.

I’ve been holding myself responsible for posting every day and posting even when I don’t have much to say and feeling guilty if I don’t, which is THE OPPOSITE of what I wanted this website to do. I’m trying to let go of the expectations I have for myself and my projects, and give myself more room to just be.

I promised myself that I would never disappear from this site like so many others I’ve seen, mental health illness bloggers who literally stop posting or drop their website without a trace. It’s scary. I’m not depressed right now, but I’m overwhelmed at all the things I want to do, and how much time I have to do them.

The good thing is, we are still in baby phase, so as I tailor the site to work the way I want it, and how it fits in my life, hopefully no one will notice 🙂 but I’m not leaving, if you wonder why I haven’t posted in awhile. I’m just… hanging out with friends, reading, writing, drawing, working, sleeping, living…

Snow Day!

So, we got a snow day.

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

That was awesome because although mentally I’m still feeling pretty good1 physically, I was tired. And after breakfast I went back to bed for like… 2 hours. Dang.

Now that I’m well rested, I made a little 5 hour work day plan, starting with working on this blog. I’m really excited for myself that I have kind of got into a flow, and even with a snow day I am sticking to my daily habits. Wednesday is work on the blog day, so that’s what I’m gonna do. I’ve also learned not to try and do too much, because then I’m rushing or feel bummed when I don’t accomplish my whole to-do list.

I try not to make to-do lists in general anymore. Instead, I use sticky notes to write down ideas and things I want to work on, and put them on the wall above my desk. This gets the ideas out of my brain, and also complies them all in one place, where I don’t see them unless I’m working. Because I’m not in the office to do anything but get some work done. It’s been a good compromise for me to do it this way, because I find that if I don’t write an idea down I either lose it, or I keep thinking about it over and over again.

I created a to-do list today because I have a lot of free time. When I have to work, I know that my time is limited and I’m usually fairly productive. My mornings have now become reading a book while I eat breakfast, working for a bit on projects, and exercise. I love that. But, like most people, I can fall into procrastination if I have a lot of time, like I do today. So, I wrote down the things I wanted to accomplish and how much time I needed. That put it into perspective. I am ready to get started on those things and realistically I should have enough time to get it all done.

Granted, I did get distracted by the email from YouTube telling me they are demonetizing my channel because I don’t meet the requirements under their new rules 🙃 Greaaaaaaat. I’m not going to comment any further than that because I haven’t wrapped my mind around all this or decided what I’m going to do with this information.

Anyway, hope y’all are good, it’s snowing here, I’m wearing a onesie, this was a long post, wowza.

Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop…

So, as you know, I’ve been worried for this period of “up” to go away.

I figured this was the mid-month period when my hormones are cooking the way they should and sooner or later it was inevitable that they would drain away and I’d get grumpy.

Then, surprise! Got my period at work today. I had no idea it was coming. I have tracked it on an app for 3 years so I’m always prepared, and because I’ve been feeling so great lately I didn’t think that it was even close to time.

The good news is, I still had a great day today! And I even bumped my weight up when I was lifting. Amazing.

But I’m always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Maybe that’s a good thing, and I can’t get disillusioned. Maybe that’s sad because there’s always an asterisk on my happiness. Maybe.

Zach told me that he was proud of me. That I seem to have gotten a lot better. I credit most of that to the doubling of my meds. But some of it is me. And I was the one who let them double my meds. So, good for me.